Fallen

I had fallen. Into my never ending pit, or so it seems.
I tried to pick myself up, but ive never managed to climb out of the hole.

I did try, many a times when i was at rock bottom, i pushed myself. Like wat ppl say, when u are at the bottom, theres no where to go but upwards.

However, just when i saw that ray of light, i had to take the wrong step and fall deeper but fortunately i still managed to get a grip. And the cycle just repeats over n over again.

But I am so tired climbin.

There were times when i lost my grip, or when my energy was totally drained, i simply gave up and climbed back down to the bottom. I stayed quiet and took a long break to recharge myself. Some times i just live there coz i cant even be bothered trying the never ending climb.

Often, there were people who passed by. I was out of reach and they couldnt help me. Other times, it was too risky for them to endanger their lives, trying to help.

These ppl asked me, "Its been so many years, you might not even make it, y dun u just give up? Let yourself go."

Seriously, the thot crossed my mind too many times. I wanted to just simply let everything go and fall to my death. End this struggle once and for all.

But i didnt. Perhaps i did try once. But it was just a trial, so the fall didnt kill me.

I bled, cut and bruised myself countlessly. But it cannot be compared to the wounds that were inflicted on my heart. The chasing of hope, and losing it each time.

Some times i feed myself with goals and dreams just to carry on trying.

I tell the passerbys myself, "U dun need a reason to carry on trying. U jus need to ensure u carry on breathing.".

But for myself, I need the moltivation.

I am strong enuff to carry on, but i am not strong enuff to face the next fall.
The traces of each fall were bone deep. And each wound never recovered.

Even so, however long it takes, u cant stay in darkness forever, especially when seemingly, u do see a speckle ray of light from the top. However, i do wonder if thats my own imagination. Your mind plays tricks on u when u r down. It could just be a fragment of ur wishes, and it was never there to begin with.

The goals and dreams never last. The armours tt i wore werent strong enuff to shield the rain, which constantly, makes me fall back.

I build one dream after another, but they were all broken. I am not strong enuff to build a good protection and thus i had to endure the crap humans throw at me, and start over.

Maybe I shd jus stop trying n spend the rest of my days at the bottom. Wat if i never make it, even if i continue trying. So wat if i made it to the top? Wat is the world out there for me?

I had never belong, wat makes me so sure i will be happier out there? Will i be pushed back in jus after i spent all my life climbing?

There was no hope to begin with, only a fool's hope.

I wished there is someone out there who will help me, who is there for me, encouraging me, lending me a hand, giving me strength. The person never ask me for anything in return, but jus stayed with the dream of seeing me out of it.

I waited n waited.

Often, i come across treasures along my climb. Ive never been rich, i only carry wats enuff to keep me ahead, otherwise, they will be too heavy a burden to carry.

To some people along the way, i pitched to them wat i can offer, jus so people will stop.

Some told me, "Dun worry, i will definately save you. And i dun need ur treasures.".

Lies, they are all lies.

It all started well, but as times go by. People gets weaker, not bearing them to go thru the pain i did, i offered them my treasure. So that they can heal and continue.

Some nv came back, some came back but asked for more and some came back and told me, "I am rich now, i dun need u anymore."

Many times i gave out more than i should as some ppl were strong. I needed more treasures n time to seek their help. However at times, my treasures ran out. And u noe that these ppl werent there to begin with.

They simply moved on to seek their next treasures holder.

Ive only asked for help and strength, was it too much?

At the end of the day, we are both of different worlds. I grew up in the hole, whereas u grew up from the outside world. Perhaps it was a mistake that we met.

It was never there to begin with.

I was just dreaming. You were never there.

And i ended with nothing once again.