Making Up

Ironically, when u gain something, u lose something... I made up wif a person on last sat, and i fall out wif one on sun...

I had fallen out wif "someone" whom i had decided not to say here... Coz ppl who duno me, they are going to pass accusations and labels like they noe better... But i think u can pretty much guess who, especially SHuzhen...

I haf tolerated this someone for like 10 yrs? From a stranger to a person who i accept as who he is to me... He has a extremely weird temperament... And i can say his mind is pretty screwed... But tats how he lived for the past 16 yrs...

But as u noe me, i haf an extremely high tolerance level to ppl i wan to tolerate... There is no way i can make it work, coz this someone, wouldnt listen to a single word i say... He only wan me to listen to him... And so i bear all the mental torture, grief, misery silently all these 10 yrs...

Everyone can see how miserable i look after i visited him, and how disappointed i am every time he calls... I dun even haf to say who, everyone can see where ive been to, and who jus called... I act pretty well, so u can pretty much figure the extend tt i actually reveal the truth on my face...

I guess i was in a bad mood as well... But it wasnt jus tt, i noe tt for sure... I noe i had been down, but im still rational enuff to judge. I did broke down in front of him... I had never ever did tt before... Maybe i needed an avenue to cry, but wat happened later broke my heart even more...

Extract of our conversation:

Him: Aiyah, then u dun do liao...

Me: I was trying to help, and yet u do this? Hao Xing Bei Gou Yao...

Him: XXXXX Started to duno tok about wat not related at all...

Me: See, u didnt even listen to wat i said... Forget it... I give up...

Him: She like tt, u also like tt... (Which is again not related at all)

Me (crying) : All these yrs, ive tolerated ur temper, visited u, all for nothing... U dun even appreciate... This is y she doesnt come to visit u at all... And im the only stupid one doing this out of nothing... Asking for nothing, and yet, u do tis!

Him: Sigh, then DUN COME LAH!

After awhile... I was sobbing like hell...

Him: U dun angry...

Me: Im not angry... Im heart broken...

Him: Heart-broken is angry wat! Tis u also duno!

Me: Sigh, u see, u dun even understand human emotions... Not even a word of consolation... U duno how much u broke my heart... How deep u hurt me... I really Xing1 Hui1 Yi4 Leng3...

Him: XXXx, he went on to tok about himself, totally ignoring the situation... But ended wif "U mus come see me", before i left...

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I came back and told my sis... She corkily said, "Told u he wun appreciate liao wat!" I knew from her face she wanted to add, "But u stupid mah, still continue duno for wat!"

In many cases i spent many many yrs trying so hard to make a difference... But ultimately, i realised things arent gonna work and i haf to let go... Which is wat makes my life so miserable, i knew i am going to be miserable continuing, but im doing it nonetheless, coz i haf a little hope tt things are going to change as long as i keep trying...

Unfortuntately, it takes 2 hands to clap... Its not going to work, no matter how hard i try... If the person doesnt put in even the slightest effort... I am jus sinking deeper...

Recently, i haf learnt to let certain things go... And dun be so persistent anymore... At the very least, i answered to myself tt, i had tried, but it didnt work... And it wasnt due to me, coz ive done my part... Theres no pt in a tug of war when my opponent doesnt even allow me to pull...

Unfortunately, i couldnt bear my heart to turn to stone...

I picked up his call the next day... He called like 10 times... I still gave in...

But maybe, i shall keep the distance from now on... I shall try to remove the emotional attachment slowly, bit by bit...

Will tok about the making up story in my next entry...