Not Lost

Thanks Astra.

I have a meeting at 4pm, and i need to prepare some materials. Then again, think i need a short break now thus im here. Muahahahah...

Im not so sure about this relationship though. Its not going well at all, we didnt even have any "honeymoon" period. I wasnt ready, he was ready but not anymore (after he realised how difficult it is). And we sort of neglected one another tis few days, coz its jus not working.

Then again, i guess we have to give it some time.

I can only say time will tell. TIME WILL TELL...

Ive given up too many times in tis. The last i said was the last sunday morning at his place. When he was jus about to sleep, in his gone state.

I whispered:

"Sorry."

"For?"

"Ive given up..."

"Given up wat?"

"You..."

"Sigh... Dun think about it le."

Then he hugged the wide awake me and slept.

Im not sure if he remembers. But i think he did.

Coz we drifted already.

So now im jus getting used to all tis. I guess its jus gd training for me. Makes me a harder person. Ive always wanted to be tough, heartless and hard. So tt i would not get affected by things.

I told my fren i couldnt work now coz i am so affected. And unlike man who can easily throw their thots aside and carry on with their daily routine, women jus take it harder.

But im doing fine now i guess. My mood from rock bottom has gone up. I guess like wat ppl say, when you are at rock bottom, theres no way to go except upwards.

But i think its thanks to the jog yesterday. I totally enjoyed it. My mood immediately picked up 80%. Or isit coz of the choc i took be4 i ran? Hmm... Or isit coz of the music i was listening to when i jogged? Coz i found it easier... I still have not lost my form. And im glad. But my leg injury is still with me. Sigh.

Im doing it again tonight, hoping to make it a routine, but i cant make it tmr coz i got an appointment. Maybe later? See how bah.

I love the mental torture when u had to push urself forward when you cant. I love the beads of sweat pouring down ur body. I love the adrenaline rush in your blood.

I love it when i look in the mirror, i see myself covered in sweat and in a nearly see thru tee (coz of e sweat). And the sweat beads appearing thru my make up, and my make up doesnt smudge, keke. I find it extremely sexy. Lol. Makes me have the urge.

I couldnt sleep last night, not sure isit coz of these things happening or isit coz i slept too much on mon night. I hope its e latter. Or so i consoled myself.

Mons and Tues are always the hardest for me. Coz i will be very caught up with work and i will be damn stressed. Ive always hope there will be someone, be it a close fren to help ease me during early part of weekdays. Then again, ive been going thru these myself. Maybe it shd jus still tis way.

No matter where tis goes. I guess its not at all wasted. Ive changed meanwhile and i think ive become tougher again, not that im not tough enuff for those who knoe me. But i wan to be tougher, like steel. Like cold blooded. I wan to be cold and hard.

I guess we r still trying bah. Or at least trying to let time tell. Perhaps its true that some things arent there anymore. We dun tok about it already, in fact we dun tok already, jus short words of safety only.

Im kinda numb to tis already... Going to the immune stage. But tis is fine. If i can becum immune tts great. Coz if it happens again, at least i can still carry on.

Ironically, today is our one mth.

What a long mth it had been.

Living is already really difficult, y make relationship the same.

My 8th relationship. He took the lucky number away.

Keep smiling, Celestine. Im sure u'll be fine, jus like always~~~