The Show Must Go On

Tis is a very wrong entry... It would be better if u dun read it... Coz its about my family and most r sensitive to ppl toking about their families anyway... Otherwise i would be labelled immature, inconsiderate, unfillial, etc...

I would love to tell u i haf a wonderful, loving mother who takes care of me, and supports me all the way... I would love to tell u tt although my parents had divorced, but my mum had done a great deal to bring us up...

I would love to tell u my mum brought us up thru hard work, wif her bear hands...

I deluded myself thinkin i am very fortunate coz there are many ppl worst off... And tat no matter wat happens, we are still bounded by blood, flesh and watever...

Therefore i do not resign to fate, and think tt tis is e end...

But some times, u jus cant fool urself... It doesnt make me any happier...

My mum woke me up today... She was complaining, nagging, grumbling... I knew it, every time she do something, she will becum so god damn grouchy, like e whole world owe her...

Every lunar new yr eve, she will prepare steamboat for the reunion dinner...

Then, for the whole week, she will complain n complain n complain... Complain alot of things to do lah, alot of things to buy lah, no money lah, food cost so much lah, mus clean house lah, tis n tt... And for me every yr, i would haf to tolerate n listen to her...

I am the only one she complained to, coz other than me, nobody bothered to tok to her... And yet, she is always toking bad about me, saying tt i am unfilial, tis n tt...

My family never gave thot y i still chose to remain here, they never gave thot tt they abandoned me when i was 13 yrs old, she abuses me till i bleed whenever she feels like it, cheat my money whenever she feels like it, and when i was 14, told me to drop my education, go M'sia and becum a prostitute to support her, coz her man had left her...

She stopped supporting my education since secondary 2... I had to rely on my own means to pull off thru poly since then... I had to find alternatives to financial avenues to pull thru all tt...

At one pt i was seriously considering marrying off to a guy who was 11 yrs older than me... I was thinkin it would be so much better than to continue living here... At least, it would haf ensured me tt i would be able to go to university... Or at least wat the guy promised...

But of coz, tat was another story, i didnt of coz... Coz we didnt work out...

I am not expecting anyone to be sympathetic, or to even comprehend wat i had gone thru... Coz i truly believed ppl who haf not gone thru e similar shit will never get it... TO them, all things will always work out, nothing cant be solved, all u need to do is to communicate, etc, all tt crap...

Shes a housewife, but she doesnt clean her house... Coz she grew up in a kampong in m'sia, and shes used to live in undesirable conditions...

I woke up, i vacuumed my house, i clean my dog's toilet tray, etc... Then i tried to make some bread for lunch, i knew she was in terrible mood, so i tried to tok to her, and she bit my sentence every time and throw in her temper...

Then i left her alone, and ate my lunch quickly... Then i went to hide in my room, coz i do not wish to provoke her...

Then my sis came back and wan to sleep... I was watching videos, so i had to go to living rm instead... Jus as i wan to watch tv, she asked me to help her...

So i did, she wanted me to prepare some things, but i had no idea where she kept those things coz her kitchen is so messy and shes e only one who knoes where she kept them coz she does tt every yr... So i had to ask her every time...

Then i asked her, "Done liao right?", and she replied yah... But jus as i was about to walk out, she screamed at me and said, "spoons leh? plates leh?" etc... Then she started saying i whole day never help wan to throw temper, then we quarelled...

Its like "Hello, u never even help during spring cleanin i also never scold u lor... jus becoz u r my mother, i do not provoke u, and becoz i am ur daughter, u haf e right to throw ur temper on me arh, coz ur other children cant be bothered wif u!" I of coz didnt say tis, it was on my mind, if i said it, she would either hit me till i bleed, or cry and threaten to leave home...

She always tell me, its either me or her in e house whenever we quarrel... Of coz, her wish will be granted some day...

And now i hide in my rm, not knowing wat to do... While her disgusting bf is watching tv outside...

How would u feel if ur mum tells u almost every week tt, "It is becoz of u, i got to sleep wif a guy tt i hate so much, jus coz u didnt wan to quit ur educ and work to support me!"...

According to her, it is becoz of me, coz she cooked dinner for me... I ate every bit of the rice wif sin...

Also, my sis who told her she was pampering me and spoiling me, and thus i am lazy and do not wan to work... She told my mum tt she shd stop cooking for me, and when all my money runs out, i would be desperate...

Tis is the real reason y i cook my own food... But of coz, i couldnt coz i would be burdened wif e sin of using their electricity, etc...

I am jus a outsider, unless i bring in alot of money to pay for their housing, electricity/water/gas bills... Then i can stay happily... If not, i jus haf to watch my every step...

It is very tough... I weep thinking of all these...

I hear things like other mums' cooking breakfast for their children, making sure they eat enuff fruits n tonics, taking care of their daily neccessities, asking them home to eat dinner, even though their children are all capable working adults...

And i am like, so envious and also so sick of my life at the same time...

It is not easy... Sz always tell me to not give up, i will haf my own life soon, someday...

Of coz, i can always choose to move out, but the thing is i stayed coz i felt its a responsibilty, coz nobody takes care of the house n my mum...

Jus tt i cant help feeling foolish...

Living is not easy... Living my life is worst... Which is y sometimes i jus felt there is no pt anymore... Tt i shd jus give up...

I tell myself i shd jus carry on, no matter how unhappy or how miserable i am... Coz i am believing there will be a turning pt... And some tell me, of coz not meant to be rude, tt my mum eventually will leave someday, and my life will becum better...

It is jus so gd for ppl who do not haf any burdens of financial, family, issues... I am always envious of carefree ppl...

There is no pt toking about it, coz i noe nothing helps... I had mentioned it so many times, how much it hurts for me to confide in ppl and get replies like, "i cant help u"... I knoe u cant help, but it hurts to hear tt... It makes e whole issue even harder to accept n carry on...

Like i said before, i hate those who tell me, "only u can help urself, i cannot help u" "u got to solve ur own prob" etc... Selfish! I haf never said these words to anyone... Coz by simply listening, being wif e person, cheering e person up, accompanying e person, i gurantee u tt if u can jus make these extra simple minute efforts, e person will feel so much better...

U will feel tt at least there is someone there for u... And life isnt as empty as u thot...

It gives more reason for e person to continue than anything else...

But then again, most ppl always say they r afraid, coz if they say something like they r there for spiritual support, they are scared tt they cannot live up to expectations, or they felt tt e person will always cum to them whenever small things (to them) comes up, and they wouldnt be able to stand it...

Well then, dun, coz u r e ones who bring hell to these ppl anyways...

It is true tt most of the times, e person will haf to depend on oneself to stand up, coz it is their own issue... But if u r a sincere fren, u wouldnt say all tt... U r jus being supercial, and it clearly shows u dun even empathise wif ppl, u dun even understand ppl at all... U dun jus find out a prob of ur fren, then tell ur fren tt u cannot help him/her, and then leave it to entirely to them and hack care and move on wif ur own life...

But ppl do tt... U will be surprised how many of these selfish selfcentered idiots are ard... And how seemingly gd or popular they becum...

Life isnt fair balance in e 1st place...

It is disgusting to me tt, i got to pretend nothing happens during e dinner later... I got to be happy, and enjoy e food, etc... Sigh...

But i haf no choice... I jus got to act tt show... I cant make others unhappy can i? I cant haf a black or sad face and show my other family members tt can i?

The show must go on...