Night Changes Many Thots

Yest night while i was laying down on my bed, trying to sleep... My thots began to spin and i duno y but it came to the night when my dog, Baby, was put to sleep... It was as though a stubborn recorder player that i couldnt find e button to off it...

I tried to shrug it off but somehow i just cant... The scene just kept on playing on my mind... Every detail, every moment, his last cry, his last struggle, his will to stay alive, his resistance to death, as the nurse injected one after one syringe of poison coz he just wouldnt leave...

It took 4-5 syringe to end his life... When others just needed one... It was extremely miserable... Coz it took so much longer than our hearts can bear... Wats worst is knowing ur small little child not wanting to go, i guess breaks e ppl's hearts much more, who made e decision...

To me, it is saddening to noe tt in e last moments of ur life, u felt huge pain (due to e needle n poison), and when u resist it wif all ur might, only to hear ur love ones, telling u to stop and go in peace... And the nurse injecting it over n over again to make sure u die...

The memory was so vivid as if it was just yest... And i started to cry... Feeling the warmth of my own son between my legs, made me cry even harder... I hope i do not haf to make tt decision 10 yrs later...

It was a decision which i couldnt stop... Baby only stayed wif me for 3 yrs, be4 moving to my eldest sis place... To which he spent his last 8 yrs at...

I said no, to which the rest of e family said i was heartless to let Baby go thru so much pain... I do not believe in murder... However nice u put it, it is injecting poison into his blood... And having seen how the whole process is like, i am even more firm on my stand fr ever...

I asked them one qns then, "So u mean next time when i haf cancer, u can put me to sleep if its allowed?"...

To me, there is no diff between deciding deaths of pets or humans... We r e same, becoz we haf feelings... Just in their case, simpler n less complex...

No matter, it happened... Just be4 my sis signed on the paper, she looked at me and said, "Dun blame me."...

I guess theres no choice eh? I had already voiced my thots... Hes ur dog after all... We werent particularly close but somehow i felt it affected me more than anyone else... Maybe i am just plain dumb in tis sense... I think too much...

Its already been 2 yrs, i didnt wan to remember e date coz it would make me sad... But i remembered it was be4 my dip show... Yrs haf passed and every time i thot i can forget about e whole thing...

But somehow its still here...

I dreamt of his spirit then, i was back in my old house where he stayed wif me... I can felt his pressence but i cant see him... He then handed me a very nice collar wif diamantes... And he left...

Mths later (in reality), i saw tt collar in one of e pet shops... I told my sis about it and she asked me to buy it... I didnt...

It was just a dream...

Its never e same when somebody dies... While u console urself n others tt they still live in ur heart or watever shit u tell urself... Its just never gonna be the same...

While u still hold some memories, the moment the life is gone, you start losing the memories...

I looked ard me, and everybody seemed to haf gotten over it, especially wif their new pets...

But i cant... While i haf Pappy in my heart, i also haf places for others... Baby is still in there somewhere... A place where Pappy cant replace... Even though i am not particular close wif Baby... In fact, i noe Baby doesnt like me... And i had e least opportunity to be wif him unlike e rest of my family...

I tried to recall how Baby looks like, but its jus fading away...

I do haf his pictures... But i still cant fully remember how hes like... The image is getting blurer each time... So i feel sad... I feel sad that death takes all once existed away slowly wif e passing of time...

I took his last set of pics when he came for a visit together wif my sis n her hubby... I had a bad feeling then tat hes going to leave soon... I told my mum but didnt to e rest... And its so strange tt in my photos, it was e best photos of him ever but also, he already looked dead in some of them...

I hope to believe hes somewhere else now...

At the least, my sis n her hubby gave him a very gd life before it ended... I guess tts wats most impt...

Missing you, Baby~

(Im not blaming on anyone or saying tt it is very wrong to put ur pets to sleep... Becoz i noe i could never interfere in how u take care of your own... I am against putting pets to sleep becoz i saw e process n saw the pain incurred... However, i agree tt there are situations where it may be inevitable to do it...

However, as much as it comes to my own, i hope he goes in the natural way when his time comes... I like to believe that death is destined rather than a decision...

For i haf seen many whose pets were very sick and deemed hopeless... Everybody asked them to put their pets to sleep but the owner just ignored everyone... And miraclously, the pets recovered and stayed alive for another few yrs...

I like to belive in the natural cycle of life... But i also understand tt sometimes, u just haf to do it, no matter how much it breaks you.)