Thursday, February 14, 2008

Work Tmr! Sobz

These 2 days, i've gotten so ill.

Ive never expected emotional problems to affect my own body so badly.
I know the root of my problem and i am not in denial.

Sometimes i just wish that i'll just go off while sleeping. But tts jus saying.
I am glad that ive recovered. Coz i still need to work tmr.

But im worried i wouldnt be able to sleep tonight, given tt the meds are not drowsy. With the amount of rest i had today, i doubt i can have a good sleep.

One thing for sure though, i find myself finally rested. Or at least in body terms. And i believe that should be a good consolation.

Untitled

Clearing my mails and i saw this which i wrote some time back.

Thot of placing it down here, of coz, this is just an abstract of it.

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I should be strong, or so i thot.

I have no idea where to channel all these pent up frustrations, all the injustice, all the sufferings.

I will shatter soon if i contain all these any further.

I wish i can find one opportunity and get pissed drunk. And using the alcohol in my blood, let everything out, voice out all my unhappiness to someone i can trust. I jus wan the person to listen, to watch over me, and i shall get emotional, and i'll breakdown and cry nonstop. The person to look at me releasing, look at me breaking, stay by my side, be with me, stay with me through the moment.

And then i will get too tired and drained, the person will send me home, put me to bed. Gently stroking my forehead and holding my hands, the person shall say, "Things are going to get better, as long as u carry on breathing. Better days will surely come to you. Just cry out, as loud as u can, as much as u wan, it is ok for celestine to cry. Jus cry."

Then i will start bawling, but this time i will jus plainly cry, with no words. Alas, when my body finally gives in, i shall whisper to the person who held my hands so tight, "Thank you". And i'll drift off to sleep.

Next day, i shall awake to a fresher me. Starting anew. After the previous night, i will feel like the luckiest person in the world, someone was really there for me. I shall quit heavy drinking, i will tell myself this is the last time. Let everything go, drop all the unneccessary ppl, start afresh, start from scratch. From that moment on, find a better job, build up my finances, know more new ppl, new wardrobe, new accessories, change all my stuffs to new, groom myself again, stay cheerful and happy, or at least at ease, bring back the social butterfly (which ive lost) in me, bring back my wittiness, build up my life again, focus on a career, but oso always rewarding and pampering myself and last but not least save money to buy my own house one day.

I jus wan the old emo, dramatic, miserable, promblematic Celestine to go away.

This is the only thing my heart really wans now... Jus someone there to see thru it. Jus this one night. I wan nothing more. Just this one time to drop everything and move on...

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I guess thats enuff said...

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Indifference

I don't know if i mentioned this before.

I caught this line from watching the earlier seasons of Desperate Housewives donkey yrs ago and i still remember it today. Coz it jus pricks my heart everytime.

"The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference."

Kills me every time when i recall this.

Indifference is just the most cruel thing ever. You hate because there is still concern. But when you are indifferent, you basically don't care, don't bother, no matter what others say or do. There is just no more obligation, no more feeling, no more bond towards the other party.

The tougher and heartless you are, the higher the level of your indifference will be.

HAPPY THOTS CELES!!!

Well, on a lighter note before i start the entry, i now at least have enough money to eat, smoke, meet up with some frenz, celebrate gf's bday on 18th, get something for one fren and last till the end of the month. And thats great news for me.

I will ban myself from drinking (yea i knoe i always say tt, but it takes time u see. Lol), and also ban KTVs for 2.5 weeks. But seriously, i have cut down trememdously on my drinking, and thats good. Slowly but surely, i believe i will become a social drinker again.

With many things going on, i am hurt and troubled but im trying to get on and chanting to myself, "HAPPY THOTS, HAPPY THOTS!" Lol.

Im trying to arrange ppl to meet till i start work. Meeting SZ tmr, meeting Ben on mon, meeting Keith/Wendy on tues hopefully - still no confirmation from them, meeting Marvin on wed to hand him something - haven told him yet, lol. I oso wan to meet a gal whom ive not seen for some time. Maybe fri?

And thursday i guess i'll jus stay put at home. Yea. Lol.

I have another entry set up but i guess i'll save it another time. Im hungry and i think i will go and cook for now.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Happy Lunar New Year

Happy new year everyone! I hope you all enjoy ur long holiday break from work.

Its the 2nd round of my rat year. Haiz, and it sucks to know you are in mid-20s now. Lol. Especially when u dun even feel that u are so old already! Yes, 24 is old!

2006 & 2007 were really bad years for me. Well, not like any other years were any better. I guess the good old days all stopped literally after 1996. 2008 started out on extremely bad notes, it was ok for the 1st week, and everything just came down after that. Everything is just not going well at all, family, work, frenz, finanically, etc. EVERYTHING! Sigh...

My office will be closed from tmr and reopens only on 15th. 4 days of leave gone, plus 1 more on 18th coz its my gf's bday celebration. I also took 1 urgent leave last week, so 6 days gone. Sigh.

I really hate CNY.

I hate family/home steamboats, patronising family reunions. I have no relatives in sg to visit, not that im keen if i do. I will be extremely bored and lonely due to the extended holiday. Everyone will either be visiting their relatives or they would have already started work after that.

And i will always be too broke around tis time of the year to get any NY clothes or watever.

I totally hate tis feeling.

And worst of all, my gf will be gone overseas during my extended break until 17th.

So that means my Valentine's Day celebration will be gone. *Big sigh*

Ive never spent any Valentine's Days alone de lor. Sigh. But this year will be an exception. I am quite anal about celebrating occassions. So i am bloody disappointed. Its not my gf fault. Its jus everything isnt going as planned. And no, i do not welcome dates on V day.

Also, was supposed to be bunking over at my frenz place during my break and same thing, a whole bloody other stuffs came up. Sigh.

Think i'll jus dig a hole and bury myself.

Meanwhile, i still got to think of how to occupy myself for the next 9 days. But i guess the worst thing is, even if i managed to find company, i have no money to head out.

But i shall not be poor forever. I shall recover all that i've lost... Soon...

Friday, February 01, 2008

Untitled

It hurts so much when you have given so much for others to make them live better, that your own living gets heavily affected but only to realise that in return, when you see the ones closest to you get what they want, you are the one who's left behind.