Tis is an angry post, no pt reading it.

I am feeling so miserable. I am so miserable i wan to bitch about everything (or at least wats going on). But i cant. Coz i am the stupid one who used my real name for my site ( i am vain, i like to use my name every where).

I dun lie to strangers tt i dun blog. So any idiot can google my name and *poof*, u can see my blog in e 1st 3 links.

Urgh.

I haven been updating coz ive started working (my sis's been hoggin e pc for her assignments as well). Today is my 3rd day.

I am bonded for e next 3 mths. My job is a 3 yr contract but i am not bonded though. I am a 3 yr contract staff, which is crap coz i lost out on e benefits. I thot it was a PERMANENT position. I am not a freshie bumping ard. I wan to find a long term stable job ok!

I made a wish on my bday tt i wish for a full time job. But i forgot to say wat kind of job.

I am so sick of ppl telling me, "U will find an ideal job!", "Ur next job will be better!", crap.

They told me those when i was schlin, and my 1st job? Fucked up. Then they tell me e same thing, and my 2nd job? Fucked up. Then they told me e same thing. My 3rd job? Super fucked up. Then comes e fourth job and ppl said im lucky and all tt crap. Wat happened in e end? Super super fucked up. It fucked up even more when i complained out of frustration and ppl told me its not e end of e world.

Since when did i say it was e end of the world? U rich brats haf no idea how tough it is to survive in e real world ok!!!

And then my 5th job? Fucked up. Then wat happened? Ppl told me e same thing, "U will find a gd job one, dun worry!"...

How fucked up can these ppl get?

Its like saying u will win lottery and every time u lose i will tell u, confirm win next time... Of coz one bloody day, u will eventually win due to probability. And then i am supposed to say, "See, i told u, ur life is not so suay. U will win someday."

WTFFFFFFFF!!!!! Yah, one bloody day.

Y cant u jus see tt, even if u haf e same qualifications, same skills, same human, same everything, tt ur life, fate, destiny can go totally different? How some can jus be so blessed wif great 1st jobs, and some never ever finding somewhere they can settle down contentedly...

It has nothing to do wif expectations. U think those blessed ppl expect very little, tts y they r rich, tts y they found gd jobs wif great bosses, colleagues, tts y they haf happy family?

Pls lah, when ur environment is blessed, it is blessed. Its out straight one mah, ur boss so gd to u, ur pay so high, e other one's boss like shit, pay very low etc. Its got nothing to do wif expectations, asking too much, too demanding or watever shit.

Although i haf to admit some really asked too much for their own gd, and never finding one and always complaining. But im not toking about those ignorant ppl.

Only 3 days, and i already realised i am so suay. U can be ignorant, blur, new, fresh but lucky, so u get ur way wif it. I am seasoned, hardworking and well balanced but i get all e dirty shit.

I took up tis job to shut everyone ard me. To shut all e crap and also to prove to everyone tt my next job isnt something happily ever after as long as u dun give up.

But of coz, i wun deny deep down i am hoping things would change for e better as well. I am always prepared to apologise and say i am wrong, things haf indeed became better.

But reality slaps hard in my face ok. -_______-"

U can tell someone patronisingly tt things will becum better, but u will not be able to comprehend how much more tt person yearns for it than jus ur mere word of politically correct statements.

I wanted to take my time to find a gd job. But all the pressure made me bit it out of spite. I took it realising theres no future at e last min.

Wat crap about aiyah, jus work and then find a job meanwhile.

Do u noe i cannot jus take mc or leave in my job? Unless u wan me to be fired or get lesser money. If i can jus take leave or mc, i wouldnt mind hogging e job and look for greener pastures.

U guys say until like its so easy lidat. Wat no stress, u hearsay only, u noe nuts.

My mum is e worst, she said i am a useless, slow, incapable person. So i shd jus stick to a lowly, simple job and jus live day by day. She said i shd stop looking for better jobs (coz they wouldnt wan me coz i am e worst) and jus stick wif tis (e kind tt nobody wans). And then when she realised i am not happy, she is pissed off tt i myself am e one who agreed and yet i am so unhappy about it.

Yah yah, serves me right. Serves me right for anyhowly taking a job tt i feel very unhappy about jus so tt i can give u money coz u kept complaining no money when i can jolly well see u suffer and jus bump ard till i used my last dropped of self-earned savings.

I am not like those freshies liao leh. I dun wan to work 3 mths, quit, look for jobs again, knowing how bloody tough its for me. I told u i cannot work tis job and look at the same time. My leave's got to be balloted a few rounds. And if we anyhow take mc its going to affect my work conduct, which leads to many other things.

I heard things like "if i noe ur job like tis, i would haf adviced u not to take it". Bloody hell, if u really mean it, when i initially told u, u would haf BOTHERED to find out more from me when i told u about it. If u r a true fren or family, u would haf bothered. U would haf been concerned.

Rather than saying, "up to u, u decide lor.", "after 3 mths then see how", "flip coin", "its ur life, so u decide urself, i am not saying anything", "wow, tts cool, got job gd! take! take! gd start!".

And then after i took it, come telling me, "aiyah ur job no gd", "aiyah y u so stupid go take", tis n tt.

I am so tired but i cant sleep. And tis is driving me even more crazy. And plus i think i am pmsing. I got to wake up at 6+ am every morning and yet i jus cant sleep before 3am. Its frustrating.

My insomia seems to be getting worst. I haf no idea wat e hell's going on. And my backache had worsened lately as well. I think my whole body/system/mind's jus starting to crash n breakdown.

At tis rate, i will burn out very soon.

I think i may need medical help very soon. Or at least do a x-tray on my spine.

But i will only get my pay next mth. Urgh.

Aiyah, watever. I am alone. So i jus haf to suck everything in.