Uni Studies

Some things to tok about...

Had a conversation wif Shuzhen tt night and I got into a eye teared mode when we were tokin about my lack of money, impossible to further studies tis yr n my so called family... Apart fr my disappeared ex bfs who stayed wif me be4... Think only she understands my family situation, even though she didnt witnessed how horrible it was in actual living... She told me shes sad too but at e same time feel helpess...

She mentioned tis to me as well, "I hope u will not haf to give up ur studies becoz of lack of money..." Which somehow brought me back to e time, when she came along wif me to visit my Dad... My father asked her wat was she doing then... She mentioned she's studyin @ uni... Then, my father said e following, "Tats great, not like my daughter. She's not so "Hao Ming" (gd life). Her life is fated to be not gd. Shes destined tt she cant study U..."

It was one of e most inappropriate things to say in front of my friend. His words immediately brought tears to my eyes... He also added if things had been e same (meaning back to his millionaire past), i would haf no prob at all doing anything i wan... Which of coz, added more water to my eyes. But i managed to conceal all my emotions n laugh along...

He didnt need to say those things... Worst, he shouldnt haf put e comparisms straight in my face... I of coz, knew how different we r... I received e news of knowing my mum's not going to support me after my secondary days when i was in sec 1, nov. Fr then on, my life seriously took e 2nd major turning pt...

I even had to seek financial help myself to pay for my sec sch fees... But sec was still ok, since its only $100+ a yr, its rather easy to find help... But poly was hell, it really was, worst is i couldnt even get any help in my 3rd yr, coz my sis was earning so much tt i was unqualified to apply for any assistance...

Life is tough, n e last person i would wan to be compared to is my best fren... Seeing her mum payin her Uni sch fees using her CPF, downgraded their 4-rm flat to 3-rm to support her younger sis's Uni fees, was no easy task i can assure u tt... Everyday i see her going thru her degree, graduating soon, when im not even near there... Im not saying her family is so gd or watever, she has her own family prob as well... Im only touchin on e studies part, n how dysfunctional my family is...

Its always so tough going for gatherings especially, when everyone's in Uni, or going to, when i'm jus a diploma holder to them... Worst thing is sometimes i get humiliated/despised for tt by Rich/Uni ppl... Coz to them, they always labelled Dip holders wif no degree as "STUPID", tts y cannot go U, which is totally untrue obviously, but i cant change the mindsets of swollen heads who think they r on top of e society...

When i explained my financial situation, they simply gave me a snare, indicating wat i said was an unbelievable lie to cover up for my laziness or stupidity as tis will never ever happen to gd life young singaporeans... Well, maybe sometimes u shd start wipin ur pupils behind ur try to be handsome/pretty contact lenses...

I'll highlight 3 commons conversations...

1)

XXX(NS guy, going NUS after ORD): Y arent u doing ur degree? U dun like to study arh?

Celes: Coz i haf no money...

XXX: Huh? How can it be?

Celes: Coz i dun haf money for e fees, my family's poor...

XXX: Where got such things? Ask fr ur parents lah!

Celes: ...


2)

YYY(NUS student, no, not Shuzhen of coz): Wah, u now in poly hor? So gd, so envy u. Mus be damn gd life lor, slackin all e time!

Celes(NYP DMD): ...

(Try askin those who were same class wif me for 3 yrs... Gd life? Slack? U r damn funny jumpin e gun lidat... Wat a way to reunite after so many yrs!)

YYY(carrying rambblin): Not like me lor, now in NUS Life Science, so stressed... So busy, dun even haf time. So ke lian hor? No time to go out... Believe u go cheong all e time right? So gd...

(When i dun even go cheong)

Worst line:
YYY: But no choice lah, coz they all very smart ppl, if dun work hard will lose out to them... Then cannot stay on top liao...

Celes:...


3)

ZZZ: Ask u arh, u go poly u dun feel very wat meh?

Celes: Feel wat?

ZZZ: Feel feel... Ermm...

Celes: U wan to say tt my classmates (fr 1 of e 2 top classes in sec) all go JC only i go poly wun feel very bad of myself arh?

ZZZ: Errr... Ya...

Celes: Well, in e 1st place, theres alot of them (classmates) who went poly also wat...

(though i believe im e only one in my class then who is set on going poly fr start sec 2, coz i knew i wasnt going sg Uni in e 1st place, so y shd i go JC anyway to waste my time? Besides, those who later joined poly, r those who went for 1st 3 mths JC n realised tt they dun like to study maths n science n some failed)

ZZZ: Oh... Is it...

(Like machiam i bluff him)

Cant stand some ppl, which is y i dun go gatherings liao...

Anyways...

I jus had a msn conversation wif Jul, we somehow also tok about further studies... Along e way, she mentioned, all i need to do is to jus ask (refering to ask my sis to help me wif fees). E conversation i had wif Shuzhen immediately came back into my mind... And i didnt knoe how to ans her... If i can paint a picture which can speak a thousand words, i will... But i cant...

She then added something like, "After all u r one family mah...". Well, how true, but tats only on e birth cert as far as it goes... How do i tell ppl about my dysfunctional family? I wanted to share wif her my life, but how to allow ppl to understand n see it thru a few lines in msn... All i could tell her is my sis wun help one but nvm see how it goes lor... It sounded so patronisin, i hate tt...

Thing is sometimes if i tell my life stories in summary, wif regards to my family. Some smart ass will start to tell me, no lah, u r still family, can work it out one... Try tokin to them more... Mus be u attitude right? Change urself lah... No such things as grudges... Like as though they stayed wif me n understood...

If i can solve it simply by changing myself, or becoz im e prob, y do u think i will allow myself to suffer all these yrs when i can do something on my part? If things r so simple... E word "Problem" will be wiped out e moment i open my dictionary...

Worst n most common line i heard fr SMART ppl,
"No matter how, ur mum still loves u..."

Ya... Try convincing my ex bfs on tt, or even Shuzhen (though till tis date i still duno her level of understandin on my family aspect but nvm, still can try), since they r outsiders... They will be able to see e picture clearer n less biased... Since i will be labelled as negative, prejudiced against, etc...

Sigh...

All hopes not lost... I believe someday somehow, my life will reach a major turning pt... N tis time, its gd...