I Dun Understand Y...

Ive got a feelin im going to regret posting tis... Somehow, i feel im not supposed to write negatvie things... Coz those ppl who knoe nuts about wats happening, will start tellin me tt im too negative, tt im thinkin too much, tt im shd do tis, tt i shd do tt... Well, if its as easy as u've said, i wouldnt even bother getting troubled over it... Hack anyways, i haf e right to rant at times too... I am, but jus a mere human...

I haf not been bloggin consistently, coz one thing i am trying to cut down electricity, coz of some ppl and some matters... But also, i haf been too vexed to even online, blog, check mails, or even play my neopets... But i took e opportunity to update some stuffs coz apparently many things haf happened along e way and i dun wish to missed noting them down... I haf some photos too, but think i'll post them another time...

To be honest, i am feelin extremely miserable recently, due to some probs and my insomia's kickin back again... Physically and mentally drained even though i haven been doin much, but i feel like ive aged 10 yrs... But i'll get over it, i always do, its jus a matter of time... I knoe... Coz my life never run out of probs... And its not jus minor issues, i believe Shuzhen can vouch for tt...

I am still stuck and lost, and i really need to get a full time job... But i haven been lookin, coz ive been too sicken to even look at e papers... Too many things haf been happenin... Aarrrhhh, i need some time... Pls let me haf some peace ya? Im hopin they will understand, but apparently, ppl dun... And to all, time is not a luxury...

In tt case, i'll jus apply for anythin tt come across, but i missed yest's recruit... So maybe another wk of solice i hope? Anything even if its lowly but not demeaning? Anything even if its lowly paid as long as its survivable? Anything tt has ridiculous long hrs so tt i can work till i die of fatigue or a young age? Watever... Wat can i do anyway, since insensitive, selfish, self centered evil ppl r all pushin me off e clift? Jus anything to tide me thru 1st, and then we'll see how it goes...

Anyway, will be meeting Shuzhen for Seoul Garden lunch tmr noon... Really lookin forward to tt... I wan to bbq alot alot, and i wan to eat till i puke... Well... I'll try... Sigh... I really wanted to bbq, but wif Zhimin's bz tis coming wk, we haf to do it some other time which may not even come... So e lunch tmr is to compensate alittle to my disappointment...

I haf so much pent up energy, but i jus cant let them out... I make myself so cheery and chatty wif new ppl i knoe, socialise wif e ppl whom i knoe i will never click wif, keep myself communicating wif others so as to not become a cooped up autistic person...

Try to make ppl happy, try to make boring outings interesting by keepin things goin, to so called lead and make decisions, think of where to eat ard indecisive ppl or rather those who haf absolutely no clue, all things done, all e efforts made when in e 1st place, ppl arent even into being genuine frenz... I guess most ppl jus wishes to haf activity partners tts all, and worst, those who befren u wif an intention or motive...

But i guess tts how it goes for all ya? For e rest of our lives especially in workin environment, we haf to entertain and maintain pointless social gatherings, even if we r uncomfortable, even if its meaningless, even if we hate e person, even if we were strangers, even if e person has a knife behind his back, even if hes up to something... So tt we can survive, so tt we can fit in, so tt work can be smoother, so tt politics can be reduced in ur favor, so tt we get more opportunities, so tt ppl will reduce makin things difficult, so tt u haf more allies than enemies, so tt u can seek help when needed... I can go on n on...

Its all part of living, u may say, ya? So y complain, ya?

I wonder when will be e day when i can truly relax when im out wif ppl, when ppl can jus take e lead for me while i truly take a break, when i dun haf to crack my brain, when i dun feel pressurized to keep thinkin of programs, ideas, conversations, when ppl can jus carry conversations themselves, while sometimes i can keep quiet to enjoy e moment wifout ppl askin y i so unfrendly, when ppl actually contributes to conversations instead of me having to make all e moves... When ppl can lead me into uncomfortable environment instead of me myself surviving e whole issue alone, when ppl can spice up intelligent banters wif me, when i feel secure wif them, when ppl actually ask me how i am when i am down instead of me starting e whole issue myself, etc...

I wonder, i wonder...

I wonder y do i haf to do all those things all e time... I wish to be vulnerable at times, too...

I wonder y i duno ppl who's inspiring, who knoes all e moves, who knoes how to talk, who knoes how to handle situations perfectly...

Worst of all, i dun understand y some ppl jus dun listen... And therefore, assuming all e wrong things... Or made all my efforts n conversations to waste...

I dun undertstand y some ppl can shake off contacts for yrs, and then suddenly call u up to borrow some stuffs and expect u to lend her as a matter of factly, and never contact u again after tt...

I dun undertstand y some ppl can shake off contacts for yrs, and then suddenly call u everyday to forcefully mus meet up to catch up when their intentions r actually to pitch to u their MLM job...

I dun undertstand y some ppl can shake off contacts when they r attached, and then suddenly call u after they had broken up n complain y u never keep in contact, n behave like as though we r best frenz...

I dun undertstand y some ppl can shake off contacts immediately after their graduation day as though they never knoe u or worst, after they were in a different class as u when they were extremely close wif u before tt...

I dun undertstand y some ppl can say tt im disgusting and tt they hate me when ive never even tok or done anything to them be4...

I dun undertstand y some ppl can be best frenz wif me for yrs, and then suddenly ignored me totally when they r attached...

I dun undertstand y some ppl can treat their frenz invisible when tis is someone in e grp they like and then complain u r sensitive...

I dun undertstand y some ppl can tell me frenz r meant to be made use of...

I dun undertstand y some ppl can tell mothers not to cook their sibling's share of food everyday, so tt she will go out and eat, and watch her die when she's broke...

I dun understand y some ppl abuse their child, and hit her even till shes 20 yrs old and threatens her out of e house...

I dun understand y some ppl forfeited her sis's right of applying for bursary and yet, do nothin to help to pay her sch fees...

I dun understand y some ppl purposely make her sister do lowly jobs so tt ownself can be more successful...

I dun understand y some ppl punch, slap their gf, and nearly strangle her to death...

I dun understand y some ppl lie, betray, deceit, backstab and make others miserable...

I dun understand alot of things, unfortunately, does tt make me sound STUPID???

Sigh... People...